The Waiting Game

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I’m sure it’s been said before, but the unknown, while at times can be exciting… say, space exploration, can also be scary, especially when that unknown is confined to a small box of possibilities; one or more of those being the end of one’s life. Before I get too dramatic, no, I am not dying… at least not anytime soon that I know of. However, I am now faced with finding out some new information that could potentially shorten whatever my biological clock had in store for me.

I always knew that the cancer could come back. (That is a line I will use if it actually does come back, too). When I finished chemo in March of 2012, I got routine blood tests that checked for abnormal levels of various things that could indicate cancer cell activity. Several weeks ago, one of those tests suggested something elevated in my liver that shouldn’t be. I had a CT scan two days ago and now I have a PET scan scheduled for next week before my next oncology appointment. The worst case scenario is that the cancer had somehow spread to my liver and has started to grow. At this point, I don’t know how aggressive it could be, how long it has been there, or if that is even what is going on. There are other possibilities too – I believe something as simple as an infection could also produce these results.

In the mean time, before my PET scan and before my oncology appointment where I get to hear the results, I just have to sit and wait, and hope for the best. I guess. Is that what I’m supposed to do? I’m good at hiding my emotions, but I’m not afraid to communicate how I am feeling, and I am feeling scared, anxious and depressed. I hate the waiting game. The anxiety builds and builds and builds. I try to fill my days with distractions while I wait.

So, yesterday, I saw a movie called After Earth with Will Smith and his son, Jaden. The premise was intriguing, the overall plot was nothing special and the acting left much to be desired. I didn’t hate it, and I appreciate what Will and M. Night attempted to put together; but, some better decisions could have been made. At any rate, I am not here to bash the film. Will Smith’s character is all about not being afraid of anything. He even states, “Fear is a choice” and, I am paraphrasing here, “Fear is merely an illusion created by the mind’s thoughts of the future.” I think his philosophy about how fear is just being unsure of the future is somewhat correct, but I don’t think I could ever be as robotic as to just turn it off as needed when the unknown is a premature death; which, by the way, is my biggest fear. I suppose if I had accomplished more things in my life, I would be more at peace knowing my time could be short, but I am not there yet.

Then, there’s Alex Lewis. A good friend that I did not get nearly enough time with on this earth. Several years younger than me, he died last year on this exact day – June 5, 2012. In fact, there’s a blog post about it if you look several pages back. I don’t know if he had the same fears as me, but I do know he wanted to accomplish more with his life, too. Looking back at Alex, and my first diagnoses in August, 2011, it’s not like I haven’t been trying to accomplish things in my life; I have, but with little success so far. I’m not giving up, but I don’t dig the increased setbacks. Perhaps my disappointment with what I consider success is too tangential for this blog post.

I wish there was some final positive point I can bring this all back to, but there isn’t yet. I am thankful for the people I have at my side like Cierra, who are there to comfort me and remind me that I am not completely alone. Maybe I do have something positive to say. Experiencing these trying times adds to my personality and grit; and surviving them makes me stronger and wiser.

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For the past month, I’ve been busy shooting Evelyn with my cast and crew. It’s been a fantastic shoot so far and I cannot thank everyone enough. We’ve been through 5 days of shooting so far, and we have 1 full day left, with another day or 2 of pick-up shots to finish. My goal is have filming wrapped by May 19th.

There will be great things to come! I will put some behind the scenes footage up soon enough, and when I have a cut of the film ready, of course I’ll put up a teaser.

In the mean time, the fiction writing and the hunt for a position in copywriting continues!

Thanks for keeping up with me!

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My First Flash Fiction Challenge

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So, a blogger, writer and otherwise very talented person I follow named Chuck Wendig posts Flash Fiction challenges once a week. I finally attempted one. He had used a random word generator and picked the following ten words: Library, Ethereal, Dolphin, Replay, Undertaker, Storm, Envelope, Cube, Chisel, Satellite. The instructions were to pick 5 and write a story using them and under 1000 words.

I asked Reggie to pick 5 numbers for me between 1 and 10. He picked all even numbers, so I had every other word on the list, and ended up with: Ethereal, Replay, Storm, Cube and Satellite. I got to work on a story and it ended up being just a bit more than 1000 words. 1049 I believe. Oh well, it’s just for fun!

So, here’s the first paragraph of my story:

Missionary

She stormed off. The tension was so thick that I could feel the curse words she was thinking as she disappeared from the living room. I rolled my eyes, sighed and plopped my chubby body back down on the couch. Parts of my body jiggled, and I was mad that made me want to laugh. I held it in, calmed myself and for a moment, just a brief moment, I thought she might actually grab her gun, come back and shoot me. She didn’t I heard the front door open, brief pause, then slam shut. I waited a bit before I decided to run to the window and look outside. Due to the limited view, I couldn’t see her. Only rain. Lots of rain. It was getting heavier by the minute, to the point that it was coming down in sheets. Much how one should not refer to a serving of cookies as a sleeve, I didn’t like referring to a quantity of rain as a sheet. But, that’s what it was. Back to the couch. I looked around and saw the spilled coffee and tea paraphernalia, leftovers of our fight. Hers. I don’t drink coffee. My eyelids felt too dense to negotiate trying to stay awake. I purposely slumped to my right side, leaned back and rested my head on my hand.

If you want to read the rest of it, I’d love it if you want to my hubpages and finished reading it over there! Thanks! Link: http://jdflom.hubpages.com/hub/Missionary-jdflom.

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Abstract Distractions

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The title of this post doesn’t really mean anything. I just felt like using those two words together.

As the second half of March comes to a close, I am preparing to shoot Evelyn. It’s difficult finding the time to update all the information over at dontsmileproductions.com, but it’s coming along.

I’m still seeking a copywriting, marketing or some kind of similarly creative paid position. If you’re out there and you think you might need me, feel free to contact me! WIll WRITE FOR $! 🙂

Finally – Mike’s video of Funny Bunny was completed. It’s Episode 10, which I shot and edited. This is the only Funny Bunny Episode I have worked on, and despite it being creepy and dark and a bit sadistic, it was fun to do a creative project again. It was Mike’s idea, Mike’s character, Mike’s choreography. I just tried to help him shine as best I could. Here’s a link to the video:

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New things have been written…

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Had some sudden inspiration so I wrote a new poem, “Arc,” and posted it online already – http://jdflom.hubpages.com/hub/Arc

I also finished the first draft of a short screenplay, Evelyn. I plan to shoot it in late March/early April. After that, I plan to finally revisit Out and maybe shoot it around June or July.

Also, Up In Smoke is being caught up quickly! Check it out – http://upinsmoke.jflom.com – we have some pretty good episodes up. And four more will be up this week, starting today.

Wee! Feels good to finally be productive on projects again.

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